Ups and downs

I'm beginning to understand crime. 

Once a long time ago a teacher asked me why I thought crime was more common in poorer neighborhoods.  As a sage sixteen year old I answered, "Because they're frustrated.  They don't have any options or anyway to escape."  The words made sense and I was right, but I didn't truly understand. 

At the time I didn't understand; today I do.  As time slips away and the inevitable approaches my options dwindle.   To many people the obvious route is to find a job so that I can survive.   Physical survival has never been a concern.   Just like any street corner kid knows that if they need to eat they'll figure out a way, legal or otherwise.  The thing that isn't apparent to those on the outside, the ones who want to help, who donate and pity, is that the survival of the human spirit is paramount.  In a way I'm lucky to have had a chance to view life from a different angle.  If I had grown up in the ghetto, amongst the poor and desperate,  I would have thought that there was only one way to live.  Seeing everyone as a threat or a target.  Fighting everyday for every inch  because  I didn't know that all those negative emotions feed each other.  Anger begets anger.  Anger makes you angrier.  Anger makes people angry at you.   Anger stops people from wanting to help you, give you a chance.  Soon enough anger is your only option.  Anger, depression, bitterness, they're all the same.  They all have the power to destroy your humanity. 

I've been looking for a job, despite the looks of disbelief I see on people's face.  Forty or fifty resumes sent out, zero replies since December.  Well paying jobs and minimum wage jobs  alike. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, maybe I need to walk door to door calling a every one over and over, badgering them into at least interviewing me.  Maybe even at minimum wage I won't be able pay for a place to live and the relative bills  new and old, keep my car, take care of my cats, fend of the impending lawsuits. 

My options shrink and my future with it. 

I have little control over what's happening.  As much as that kid who walks past drug dealers every morning to get to school.   I know, however, that  money trouble, pain, sickness loss  and all the rest of it will always be there.  It will come and go at random intervals and varying intensities.  You can't avoid this, no one can avoid this.  But when its bad, when there is no escaping the tidal wave coming at then all you can do is go with the flow.   Fighting against it is a waste of energy, energy that should be spent on saving your soul. There's nothing wrong with being angry or depressed.  It's when you let those types of emotions control you, when you send that flood of destruction to fight the forces that are beating you down that is wrong.  If you fight fire with fire all you'll have left is ashes. 

So I wonder, as I sit talking with friends and family, if they think that I'm taking things well.  Or maybe they think I don't care.  Mostly likely they come to the conclusion that I've cut myself off from the world.   I would like to tell them the truth as cold and calculated as it might sound.  Screaming and crying won't help anyone.  It won't make the situation better and it won't help them feel any better.  But there is something else.  I'm afraid that if I let my head go under the water, even for a second, I'll drown.  I'll lose my soul and the person who I was will cease to exist.  My thought, idea and dreams will vanish.  It will all be replaced my a twisted version, something forged in anger. 

I know I'm beginning to sound melodramatic. The first thing some one would say to me is that I was over exaggerating.  But I would ask them this, have they ever been in this deep,  treading water in currents to strong to fight, not knowing where you're going and at the same time knowing that the sea was filled with sharks ready to strike at any moment?  This is my life, sitting in an apartment all day, alone, powerless because I can't get a job, helpless because I can't stop anything and knowing that in the next fifteen day everything I built will be taken from me.  Even after it's all gone they'll want more.  Then I'll ask, is it hard to believe that I'm wondering if crime is a solution to some problems? 

And for a second my head goes underwater and I can see the sharks. 

I'm beginning to understand crime.

Gia

Probably shouldn't be wasting time painting since I'm trying to unload all my paintings.  This popped into my head in a dream and it looked interesting.
A bit hippy for my taste.

Hello again

Where have I been?

Well, I was in Utah for a couple of day.  I've just barely recovered from the 11 hour drive there and 11 hours back.

So the question is have I been working on the book or the writer's block project.  The answer is no.  Have I been watching too much Netflix?  Is their too much Netflix.  I've been binging on horror flix, most of which were quite terrible, but a few decent ones.  If you're curious I can recommend a few.  The interesting and unexpected result... well not to unexpected be I'm often inspired by crappy writing-- anyway the result was a couple of ideas for some short stories.  Hopefully I can get to them all before I forget them.  I don't tend to post stories in blogs but if you ask nice I'll put it on my figment.com account.

Speaking of accounts.  I just went through my fineartamerica.com account and lowered all the prices of my paintings by 60%.  I have too many and I can't take them with me so I have to get rid of them, fairly quickly.  Some can go to the right home for a discount, not counting shipping.

http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/hero-sin.html

Not an expert

I've had far too many thoughts roaming around in my head lately.  Most of them are useless, in so far as that I can't do anything with them.  The terrible part is that they're driving me crazy; keeping me up at night or just breaking my train of thought.  A few nights ago I couldn't sleep at all because I was busy writing my Presidential acceptance speech.  Then when I was through with that I developed a revolutionary international law.

Here's how it goes (remember I'm neither a politician, lawyer or well versed in international law):

The basic idea is that each country should be responsible for the actions of those citizens who act outside of government sanctioned activities.  In more basic terms UN member nations who's citizens cause, enable or through speech inspire violence in another country should be required to police those citizens.

The intended result would be to hamper terrorist activities that are launched on foreign soil.  While the actually locating of said criminals would be more theory than fact, it's more about governments being required to stop such activities.  One of the bonuses would be that speech calling for criminal activities against foreign governments.  It would cause the ideas to go "underground" but at the same time seriously limiting the number of people who are reach but such speech.  This law could be extended toward the drug trade as well.

To help with these situations the UN would institute a police branch the works somewhere between the military peace keeping force and investigators.  The interference of this branch would not be compulsory at first but an aid that governments can call on if needed.  If the UN finds or believes that the law is not being properly kept then the police branch would be sent in.  Now the initial reaction would most likely be that no country should be governed by any one but itself.  While this may be true the positive ramification out weigh the patriotic angst.  When you're the leader of a country filled with millions of people you find it hard to trust anyone else.  There is to much at stake.  But a law like this would serve as a stepping stone.  As a leader I would feel much more open to any country who promised to stop any of it's citizens who threatened or acted against my country in a private war.  Not only that but the prevention of these activities in my own country serves my purposes as well.  We can not hope to unite the entire planet under one rule and on law but we can work to function as a cohesive system that supports, gives and gets when needed.

With all this said one of the draw backs would be some government abusing this law.  Using it to silence victims or dissidents who speak out against ruthless dictator.  The solution would be in the police branch investigating the situation.  That however wouldn't be enough the UN would have to take a larger part in overseeing governmental abuses in its member nations.  That is something I don't think they are willing to do seeing as how they most often prefer sanctions rather than intervention.  Then again this (to any non-American) sounds exactly like what all the other countries are complaining about, America starting wars everywhere it walks.  The thing about it is that we as a global community are required to maintain a certain level care for people all over the world.  Just as we lend aid to countries damaged in natural disaster we intervene in political affairs with equal destructive capabilities.

I come in peace

Been away for a while.  Kinda of failing on my projects and operation.  Hope this makes up for it.

Resignation

Project Typist

I still haven't gotten around to trying out the exercise and writing experiment.  Mostly because I'd prefer to be alone when I did it.  I have this crazy image in my head what I would look like; sitting in front of my computer furiously typing for 15 minutes then suddenly I get up and start doing jumping jacks.  After after 50 repetitions I stop and go back to my computer.  This happens 8 times all the while I'm focused on my own little world not saying a thing to anyone.

Sounds a little like something out of a David Lynch film.  Which reminds me I need to work on my backwards speaking.

Meanwhile, like I had ranted about before, I feel as though this project is limiting my ability write.  If I can't find the time and situation to run these experiment I don't write.  In my head I'm thinking, why waste valuable writing if you're not using for the experiment?  On that note I'm on a bit of a kick to just say, screw it.  Or to paraphrase (and tagline) myself from a comment I posted on some gal's blog (see operation blog post coming soon), write irresponsibly.

Sometimes I start to take writing too... seriously.  That's not what I mean, but the point is that I stress out about it, as if it's a job and I have a boss and a deadline and if it's all not done right then I'm going to get chewed out and fire and then no one will want to hire me again.  That's something the plebs do (no offense).  I'm good at what I do, damn good and I don't have to try to be good.  I'm not sitting in the corner with the other struggling writers making out character sheets and worrying about plot points.  I don't spend three years writing a single book (I spend 2 months then don't do anything with it for 3 years).  So what I'm I doing wringing my hands hand and creating drama where there is none.  I am not a high-school kid writing poetry in their journal and being sad because no one will understand why I'm so sad.

I'm good at what I do and the only reason I'm not just writing with reckless abandon is my boss.  And my boss is me.  Like every other boss I'm an idiot, giving ridiculous deadlines, asking for top of the line work and demanding it be efficient and economically viable.

It's time to quit working for myself and start screwing around and having fun.

8 usable blocks

Project Typist

The other day I was having a conversation with my wife about scheduling.  More specifically about how I'm always trying to make or get on a schedule and then consequently getting frustrated.  Which in retrospect is true, though I can never quite figure out what went wrong.  I usually just blame the situation and people for being so unpredictable.  Not to say that I'm not right but I could possibly be semi-wrong.  My wife suggested that the crux of the issue lays in the fact that I function on a cycle that is just under 2 hours.

The theory is that I can't a lot time for activities in anything but increments of 1 hour and 40 minutes.  So when something takes 2+ hours it means that two blocks of my 8 usable blocks are consumed.  Meaning that if I have six things to do that I have a narrow margin of time to get them in to my schedule.  But if something comes up that slows one of these tasks down or an extra task comes up it can potentially use up the last 2 remaining blocks.  Suddenly I have absolutely not time at all and my schedule is fully booked.  That's not even the real problem.  The problem is that I tend to actually schedule things in 2 hour increments, so my calendar is saying one thing but my mind wants another.  In my perception I'm double booking activities and rushing to get things done before my time is up.

It's stressful and a little disheartening.  Sitting down and writing has become this delicate balance of time and ideas.  No matter how hard I try I can't find the time to sit down and write and it seems to be my fault.  I'm not quite through with project typist, it's still a good experiment with some valid ideas.  I don't know how I can actually work it into my functional life.

At this point its been about 2 weeks since I've work on any fictional writing.  As well, I haven't painted or done any creative work.  I put it down to stress, distraction and poor habits.  The thing about that is I say screw it, just have to punch the wall and walk on through so I took these pictures of my cats.